The scene: just before the children’s Rosh Hashana service
Max: Why do we have to wear these hats?
Me: Um, because, you know, it shows respect for God, basically. (For those of you keeping score at home, the words Max really understands in that sentence do not include “respect” and “God.”
Max: Huh? What are you even saying?
We enter the room with the service. The student rabbi is there. A ha! This is her job!
Me: Rabbi Sue, could you explain why we wear yarmulkes to Max?
Sue: Well, it’s, you know, to show respect to God. To be kind to God, the way we’re kind to our friends.
Max: With a hat?
Sue: So, what grade are you in?
Me: Max, have you ever heard of God? Do you know what it means?
Adults: Blah blah being kind doing stuff for people energy spirits blah blah not really a “person,” you know blah
Max: Is there singing in this service?
Later…in the midst of a conversation about lunch…
Max: Dad, remember that conversation about God? I think God is just basically what makes everything you love be alive. Even plants.
Me: I think you pretty much have it. Thinking: Clearly, I am the best parent in the world.
The scene: just out of the bath
Leah: Uh, go ask Dad
Abe: Dad! Daaaaaaaad!!!!! DDDaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddd!!!!!!! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Abe: Do I have a bone in my penis? [shoves the member in question all up in my business]
Me: No, no bones in there
Abe: Look! It was soft, now it’s hard!! Look! Dad, look! Isn’t there a bone in there? Why is it so hard? Dad? Dadddd!! Look at my penis!!!!