If you want white lies, don’t have kids

The scene: It’s the day of the Superbowl (I know, but, honestly, who has the time?). Max falls asleep for nearly 3 hours on the couch. Oh well, we figure, he’ll be up late for the game. Did I mention the kid has become obsessed with football? He’s one of the seven people in the world to have watched the entire Pro Bowl. Anyway, too much sleep. At halftime, we put him to bed, but he couldn’t fall asleep.

I tried to leave his room – Abe had long since fallen asleep – but he started to freak out and insisted that I stay.

Max: Don’t go! Lay down on my bed.

Me: Ok, ok. A few minutes.

Max: No. Twenty minutes.

Me: Ok, sure. [He can’t exactly tell time]

A few minutes pass. Max starts to snore a little. I try to sneak out.

Max: Don’t go!

Time passes. And passes. And passes. I try to sneak out twice more, to no avail. Finally…

Max: Ok, you can go.

Me: Great, I’m proud of you. You can totally go to sleep by yourself…

Max: [cutting me off] No, you just smell too much like beer.

Me: Uh, ok, goodnight.

Max: Don’t forget to record the rest of the game for me.

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